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Beggars Row Celtic Folk band

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Jokes Page

Welcome to our Beggars Row Jokes page!!.
Here you will find Jokes and humour about Neil, Ricky, Bob, Gus and David. If you can think of any others please send them to us via the newsletter link on Interviews page.

 
Music is anything but serious. At least Beggars Row music isnt!! Here are a few music jokes you might appreciate.
 
How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster.
 
What is the difference between a bodhran player and Dr Scholls sandles?
Dr Scholls sandles buck up the feet.
 
What do you call someone who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A bodhran player.
 
What do you throw a drowning drummer?
His cymbal stands
 
What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
 
What is the difference between a banjo and a cattle grid?
People slow down when they drive over a cattle grid.
 
If you drop and accordion,a set of bagpipes and a bodhran off a 20 storey building, which one will hit the ground first?
Who cares.
 
Why does David Ritchie walk when he plays the bagpipes?
To get away from the noise.
 
What is the difference between a seamstress and Bob Ferguson's whistle playing?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.
 
How do you know when a stage is level?
Bob Ferguson drools out of both sides of his mouth.
 
What is the difference between a soprano and a rottweiller?
Jewelery.
 
What is definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo into a skip and it lands exactly on top of the bagpipes.
 
What is the difference between Government Bonds and folk musicians?
Government Bonds eventually mature and earn money.
 
Gus Spankie's fingers are like lightning.They rarely strike the same spot twice.
 
What is the difference between Bob Ferguson's finger picking technique and a bucket of manure?
The bucket.
 
What is the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who can play the banjo, but doesn't.
 
How do you stop a drummer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
 
What is better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
 
What is another term for bagpipes?
A wind driven,manually operated pitch approximator.
 
What do you do with a bad drummer?
Take away one stick and make him a conductor.
 
Beggars Row audiences are very religious. When Gus plays a solo they all shout "Oh my God!!".
 
How do you know David Ritchie is at your door?
He doesn't know when to come in.
 
How do you know when Bob Ferguson is at your door?
He knocks because he cant find his key.
 
What is the least heard phrase in music?
"Would Neil Nicholson please remove his ferarri from the stage door as he is blocking us in".
 
What is the difference between a banjo and a set of bagpipes?
The bagpipes burn faster.
 
What is the difference between a car engine and Gus Spankie's fiddles?
You can tune a car engine.
 
What is the definition of a Russian Folk Duo?
A Russian Folk Quintet after a tour of the UK.
 
What is the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
 
Why does David Ritchie walk about when he plays the bagpipes?
 
It is harder to hit a moving target.   

What do you say to Bob Ferguson wearing a suit?
"Will the defendant please rise!!!"
 
What is the difference between Gus' playing and a screaming cat?
Absolutely nothing at all.
 
What is the similarity between a cat run over by a steamroller and Gus' playing?
They are both as flat as a pancake. 
 
Bob and Neil were playing as Celtic Horizon last Christmas day and the owner of hotel asked if they could play next Christmas day.Bob said "Sure.Is it ok to leave the gear here?"

When we were in Holland on our last trip we went for a meal at an exclusive seafood restaurant in Amsterdam.

There was a fish tank there with their delicacy which was squid.These rare wild squid were green in colour and had a strange black moustache on their upper lip.They looked weird but were absolutely delicious.We all ordered one and the head waiter called on Jervaise,the French chef to take them out of the tank,kill them and cook them for us. However Jervaise liked these squid and no matter how hard he tried he simply could not find it in his heart to kill these rare creatures.The head waiter then called on Hans, the German dish washer to do it but he simply could not do it either.The head waiter shook his head and said he could not believe that;

"Hans that do dishes could be as soft as Jervaise with wild green hairy lipped squid!!"



(apologies to Proctor and Gamble)

When Bob first left school he was an apprentice plumber.He worked in Oslo at a new retirement home for war blinded Norwegian servicemen.He was fitting the very last sink when he dropped his hammer and made a big hole in it.As there were no more sinks he took the implement used by bricklayers to carry bricks up ladders and fitted taps to it.After all, he thought;

"A hod's as good as a sink to a blind Norse."

If you have any other ideas you would like to see on Beggars Row web site send us an email with your idea and we will do our best.

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